When I started blogging, it was with a completely different blog and it had completely different content. It was open only to myself and a few friends and it was me trying to journal my way through the hell that is
Post Partum Depression. The name of that blog was Stepford Syndrome, which is what I called it when I was struggling with feeling as though everything in my life had to be just right. I had to look like the mothers in the movies, I had to smile, have a clean home and be the perfect wife; maiden and Madonna. All this while I was having horrifying visions of putting my head through mirrors and jumping off balconies. Oh yes, lets keep in mind Nathan was born in November, so all of this was going on while I was trying to entertain family and be cheery for my 3 year old's sake during the holidays.
That $^*! is draining!
But, I got through it somehow. It took a lot of time, patience and love but I made it through the other side alive and with MOST of my sanity in tact.
Here I am, about 4 months "recovered" and suddenly, I'm finding that Stepford idea creeping up on me again.
I've been keeping incredibly busy and it's made me so very happy. But damn, I am TIRED. The quest for perfection is an endless, exhausting battle. So why do I keep trying to reach it?
Anyone else ever find themselves here?
♥ Nathan is sleepy these days too. Teething is hard work!
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i really understand this so much. when wyatt was born i think i definitely had a little bit of postpartum. my dad was really sick and was deteriorating right in front of us, and then i had this colicky baby that i was constantly trying to keep quiet as to not disturb my dad (because i moved home to be with him in his last days). it was really terrible (oh, and wyatt was born in october so i get the whole holidays thing). i really hated my life and i hated my husband for not helping enough. i felt like my life was over while my husband's just began (let's just say that during his paternity leave he went out to the movies 5 times with friends). anyway, things are better now... but i still find myself lacking the drive that i used to have. things take a lot more effort now. simply getting dressed and putting make up on is a HUGE deal to me now. when did my life become like this? it sucks.
ReplyDeleteOh Becky, I think there is a size-able army of us who battle Stepford Syndrome! (Love that phrase, by the way) I too, am a recovered PPD mom. It is Hell on earth, and if I ever met Tom Cruise, I'd tell him what I thought of his well-advertised opinions on the subject!
ReplyDeleteI have been apologizing for years to the world in general for how my house looks since I had my twins (babies 4 and 5) almost four years ago! My "It never looks like this!" excuse has gotten a little thin.
We have to remind ourselves that someday we will miss these days when our children consume our days, and our house is a mess because of activity in it, and the chaos was because of centering our lives on our babes! I try to repeat this several times a day...
Post Partum was difficult for me and seems to be what happens to me with each child. (I have 3) But with my youngest, I felt it really bad. I had crazy urges to walk out in the middle of traffic and some how that seemed like a good choice, but then the other kids would be there and say something at just the right moment to walk me up. But something else that was just crazy about the whole thing was that it didn't start right away with her like it did with the others.
ReplyDeleteAllowing myself to let go and serving others was what got me through this time, but yes like you I do have crazy thoughts of just driving off the rode sometimes...
I happened to mention post partum to someone I work closely with at church and they had no idea I was struggling so much with it. Which shocked me. Part of me always thought that people could see through the facade that I had. But then again, people tell me often that they wish they could have it all together like me. And at those times, I wish I could share all the crazy anxiety and non-pc thought that run through my mind everyday. I don't even think my husband has any clue what post partum had done for/to me.
What a great title! I have that feeling sometimes, too. I'll freak out and go on some mad cleaning streak and then I feel better for a while. I also have the I'm-the-worst-Mommy-in-the-world feelings. Then the little guys say something or come up and give me a kiss for no reason and it passes.
ReplyDeleteThe search for perfection - the thing most likely to drive us insane! I always have this dream of clean house, delicious dinner on the table cooked from scratch, wonderful interactive playtime all day with my toddler etc. It's a struggle to "lower my standards" and accept I'm doing the nest I can (and really, a lot more effort isn't going to make things that much better - I know I've got a pretty good life!). I can't offer any advice, but just let you know that you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteI am so so right there with you, we could be Stepford neighbors...Mason will be 2 at the end of October and I am not even joking you, Tuesday was the day from Hell...seriously Hell!! I have never felt more challanged in my whole life...of course we started our day having to drop a package in the mail at the post office, so I got to hold a 35+ pound SCREAMING baby in my arms trying not to drop my wallet, cell phone and keys all while he slapped me in the face a couple of times for good measure...yeah it was lovely...then the {lovely} old women behind me decided to announce loudly that "its okay dear, dont be embarrassed, all kids do it" to the whole post office...shoot me now...I have been struggling with Mason and his screaming fits for the last few weeks, it sucks so so bad, and of course I have tons of friends who's "little angels" would never behave like that...gotta love not only feeling run down and tired, but now the worst mom who cant keep her kid from screaming and slapping...lovely...your not alone...it will get better right?
ReplyDeleteI'm 10 kinds of tired right now! Aaaannnd, I live on a stepford street sister!
ReplyDelete{sorry I haven't visited in forevah--I've been muddling through life}
I've been through the PPD and I know it is awful but it will get better. All I can tell you is take your breaks when you can get them and really think through why you are doing something. Is it something you really want to do, something that brings you joy. Or is it something that someone expects you to do or at least you think they expect you to do it. I love your blog title by the way and I am your newest follower. From NFF at The Girl Creative.
ReplyDeleteMicheal Jackson said it the best...."you are not aloooone, I am here with you.........", We are all here with you.
ReplyDeleteI recently blew out my back, with two kids home for summer holidays and company coming in a week, no family within a 10 hour radius to help. All I can do is lie on my couch ( by the way, worst thing ever because now I see all the dust bunnies!)
Screw it.....thats all I have to say about that. Sometimes showing yourself at your weakest lets others know that THEY are not alone and that we all struggle on a daily basis.
Keep your chin up...the world is a better place because YOU are in it!
Oh my do I understand completely! Everyone expects you to be happy and cheerful because you just had a beautiful baby (and yours is truly beautiful!) but the emotions aren't there. Remember that perfection IS NOT REAL! Holy smokes. I think it only happens in the movies. Becuase who really can do all of that??? I decided a while ago that I had to prioritize things. My biggest priority is my kids. So we do fun things and play together and the houseowrk can wait. Sure, it freaks my Mom out when she comes over and sees dished in the sink and laundry on the couch. But if she wants to help clean up then she can have a say. Otherwise, everyone keep their opinions to themselves, please.
ReplyDelete=o) Hang in there. It does pass. At least I'm told. I'm still tired and mine are 7 and 5. But it's a different kind of tired. It's a good tired. Not the exhausted, I want to rip out (someone else's) hair!
www.makingmemoriesiwhtyourkids.blogspot.com
I too feel this way sometimes and luckily I have my husband to vent to and help talk me out of some of it. It's hard though, we are made to feel we have to be perfect and it's just completely unrealistic!
ReplyDeleteLovin' that picture!